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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29721966">take the oxygen straight out of my own chest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayflowers07/pseuds/mayflowers07'>mayflowers07</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hermitcraft RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Falling In Love, Hanahaki Disease, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Nightmares, Platonic Relationships, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Self-Harm, Sickness, Song title from Two by Sleeping at Last, Trauma, Unrequited Love, Vomiting, Winged Charles | Grian, consistent upload schedule? Don’t know her</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:55:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,158</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29721966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayflowers07/pseuds/mayflowers07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After losing everything and everyone he ever cared about in the destruction of Evo and his abduction by the Watchers, Grian decided to shut himself off emotionally, to lock down his heart so it could never be broken the same way again.</p><p>But then he met the Hermits- the beautiful wonderful Hermits that pried open the locks and made him feel alive again like he never thought he would.</p><p>As Grian knew, all love came with a price, but was that love worth it when the price was flowers growing in his lungs and slowly suffocating him to death?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Grian/Everyone is the main focus thought, everyone loves everyone and its great, poly!Hermits - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>226</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Grian was a broken man when he first joined Hermitcraft.</p><p>After losing everyone he ever loved in Evo when the Watchers took him away, after years of forced service to them without a single free moment to think or move or even breathe without their control, and after finally fleeing the Watchers tyrannical reign and hiding in abandoned servers where he eventually met Mumbo, Grian decided he would never let himself be hurt the same way again. He locked his emotions down with iron chains deep within himself, hidden by mischievous laughter and wide smiles that didn’t meet his eyes. </p><p>When Mumbo invited him to join the server, he warned Grian that the entire server was in an entangled mess of a poly relationship, with many sexual, romantic, queerplatonic, platonic, and familial feeling shared between Hermits in a way too complex and uniquely personal to even begin describing. Of course Grian had no problem with any of that and made sure to tell Mumbo as much, but deep down Grian knew he wouldn’t allow himself to care about any of the other members the same way.</p><p>Because love was for the man he once was, before he stood by as the Watchers burnt Evo to the ground and stole him away.</p><p>Love was for the man he once was, before he spent years wandering in desolate worlds crying for friends who would never come back.</p><p>Love was for the man he once was, happy and carefree and not burdened with the fear that any joy he achieved would be ripped away from him by the cruel hands of Fate.</p><p>Love was not for Grian.</p><p>So Grian convinced himself he would not find any love on the Hermitcraft server, and for a while he didn’t. He found acquaintances, business partners, allies, and even friends, but never once did he join in the intertwined web of support and love the other server members had for each other.</p><p>If only he had a choice in what else was to come.</p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>The first inkling of something changing in Grian’s monochrome world was Mumbo. It always seemed to come back to Mumbo in the end. </p><p>It was early on in Season Seven. The two friends had been messing around with their messaging system for a while. Grian had decided to take a page out of Mumbo’s book and send himself down the system, so he jumped in a minecart and sent himself careening down the long wooden tunnels he had meticulously created. </p><p>Grian smiled to himself as he saw the beginnings of Mumbo’s base come into view. That smile soon dropped when he noticed Mumbo himself standing at the end of the track writing something on a piece of paper, probably planning to send a message as well.</p><p>Grian barely had time to holler a warning to Mumbo, causing the taller man to look up in surprise, before the cart came crashing against Mumbo, sending Grian flying out of it and tumbling into Mumbo with a startled yelp. The two of them flew to the ground in a mess of limbs.</p><p>Once Grian caught his breath and opened his eyes from when he had squeezed them tight at the impact, he found himself lying on top of Mumbo, his face pressed to the front of the othe man’s suit. He looked up to find Mumbo’s wide-eyed gaze staring at him.</p><p>“Oh my word, are you okay? That was a nasty fall,” Mumbo asked worriedly.</p><p>Grian tried to come up with a coherent answer, but all he could think about was how intensely Mumbo was looking at him with those dark beautiful eyes, with the same passion he did when gazing at one of his other partners- like Grian was something precious worth caring about and worrying if it broke. </p><p>No one had looked at Grian like that since Evo. </p><p>So all Grian did was swallow thickly and nod, then heave himself up and pull Mumbo to his feet. He ignored the burning heat he felt whenever their skin would brush, he ignored the urge to adjust Mumbo’s crooked tie and messy hair, and he definitely ignored the itching in the back of his throat.</p><p> </p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>Iskall had many partners across the server. They loved easily and freely, and many Hermits found solace in their protective nature, gentle encouragement, and fierce care.</p><p>(When Grian had first met them, he was ashamed to admit that he had been jealous of their friendly demeanour, jealous that their laughter always seemed so natural while Grian’s had to be forced through layers of trauma. He soon got over that though and grew to appreciate Iskall as a very close friend.)</p><p>One such partner was Mumbo, the two having been romantically linked for a few years. They were both quite courteous while the three of them worked on Sahara together, always being conscious not to make Grian feel like the third wheel. Still, Grian couldn’t pretend he didn’t see the flirty winks they’d send each other across rooms or the way their fingers interlocked underneath tables during meetings.</p><p>Grian also couldn’t pretend he didn’t lie awake some nights wishing those glances and touches could be shared by him as well.</p><p>All that was why, when Mumbo and Grian were hanging around the Hermit Challenges base and Mumbo announced Iskall was coming by to join them, Grian jokingly rolled his eyes and asked if the two lovebirds wanted ‘space’ with a wink.</p><p>Mumbo sputtered with denial as his face turned red with a blush, though the way his eyes lit up when the approaching sound of fireworks exploding signalled Iskall’s arrival gave him away.</p><p>When Iskall touched down, the first thing they did was pull Mumbo into a tight hug and sweetly kiss his cheek. Grian just looked on, happy for his friends but also aching in a way he couldn’t describe. </p><p>That ache burnt up into something else entirely when Iskall turned around to face Grian and also grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into the same type of hug, arms wrapped snugly around him.</p><p>“It’s so good to see you dude,” they exclaimed. “We haven’t hung out in forever. I missed you.”</p><p>It took Grian a minute to even comprehend what was happening, that the embrace around him was real and solid and not a memory of the past. Once he did, he slowly tried to match Iskall and threw his arms around their waist.</p><p>A warmth he had not felt in a long time ignited because of that hug, a warmth he had not dared to dream of. That fire stayed lit even after Iskall pulled away and the three of them began talking about future projects and server gossip. The gentle heat was so potent that Grian never noticed the irritated itch in his throat appearing again.</p><p>After that day Grian would find that whenever he would see Iskall or Mumbo with one of their significant others, the ache would return with a vengeance.</p><p> </p><p>… </p><p>Scar was magical.</p><p>It was something Cub had said during a group dinner one night while sipping on a wine glass and pretending he wasn’t getting tipsy off it. He waxed some awful poetry about how Scar was so amazing he must be supernatural, entirely inhuman. The group all cooed at that, especially when Scar almost started crying and spent the rest of the night clinging to Cub’s side.</p><p>And sometimes Grian thought he got glimpses of it. He would see Scar’s builds, so intricately detailed and beautiful like art come to life or see Scar smile at someone so widely and brightly, and he thought he understood how Cub or really any of the other Hermits could find him so incredible.</p><p>But then a few days into the season, Grian found Jellie roaming around his base, quite a distance away from Larry the Snail. Jellie was a temperamental, picky cat on the best days and that day was not a good day, if Jellie sneering at all of the fish offered to her and hissing everytime Grian tried to pick her up meant anything. </p><p>Still, Grian knew it was almost evening with how low the sun was and how devastated Scar would be without his precious pet, so Grian sighed and spent the next part of an hour trying to catch a very-uncooperative Jellie, earning him a few scratches along his arms. </p><p>It was all worth it though when he managed to slip a lead around Jellie’s neck, coax her with a few pieces of salmon into following him, and knock on the front door of Larry the Snail, which was answered by a very frazzled looking Scar.</p><p>Scar immediately perked up at the site of Grian holding his cat, almost lunging forward to take her out of Grian’s hands and hug her close while chastising her for running away. Eventually he also looked up while cuddling Jellie and gratefully told Grian, “Thank you so so much.”</p><p>And in that moment, with the setting sun framing them in warm glowing oranges and Scar looking at Grian with that beautiful smile and sparkling eyes that glowed with life and love like Grian had never known, Grian got it. He got what Cub had meant.</p><p>Scar really was magical.</p><p>Grian was so enchanted by Scar’s radiance and light, he barely managed to accept Scar’s gratitude, wish him good night, and stumble home to collapse into bed.</p><p>And while lying awake at night, it was easy to convince himself that the rapid beating of his heart was due to pride at having helped a friend, and the burning in his throat and tightening of his lungs ever so slightly was from an incoming cold.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. like a force to be reckoned with</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Grian had always internally thought Stress’ title of ‘Ice Queen’ was misleading.</p>
<p>Sure, the woman loved the material, but Stress as someone cold and bitter like a true Ice Queen was so far from the truth in Grian’s mind. Stress was life and laughter. She was beauty in the purest form, her love spilling out into everything she did like the roses she planted around her shops or the potions she brewed with extra care for her Hermits. </p>
<p>Grian learned this first hand one day when he accidentally burned his arm and shoulder while working in the Nether and after complaining about it in the chat was basically forced by Stress to come by her skull base to get patched up.</p>
<p>(Was he going to mention that the burn could have easily been prevented if he had taken the fire resistance potion right in his inventory before starting to build? Was he going to mention that he sometimes let his rocket supply get dangerously low while flying or strayed too close to lit TNT to feel the blast or stayed too long underwater until his body took control and forced him to find a source of oxygen before he drowned, because some days in his numb grief those moments of adrenaline and pain were the only thing he felt?</p>
<p>No. No, he wasn’t.)</p>
<p>Stress lectured and teased him while bandaging him up and applying splash potions to the wound, making sure he felt sheepish for letting himself get hurt in such a daft way.</p>
<p>But the way her soft fingertips danced across his arm while checking the wrapping and the way the corners of her eyes crinkled when she giggled at a joke Grian told made the world explode in colour, brighter than Grian dared to dream life could ever be.</p>
<p>Stress was anything but ice- she was radiant like a thousand suns, the personification of peaceful days that Grian hadn’t experienced in a long time.</p>
<p>The urge to experience more, to join in the loving kisses Iskall received from her or the late-night cuddles False and Cleo shared with her, itched the back of his mind. And that itch would continue everytime he thought about beautiful, wonderful Stress.</p>
<p>That day, when a sharp, painful feeling of pressure in his lungs made him start harshly coughing a bit after Stress called him ‘babe,’ he was too focused on cooling his blushing cheeks to notice.</p>
<p>… </p>
<p>People often had misconceptions about Keralis.</p>
<p>It was a common joke amongst the Hermit of how scatter-brained Keralis could be, that the man was naive and oblivious. For Grian this worked out well in his favour, as Keralis was an easy target for pranks.</p>
<p>Anyone who really got to know Keralis, who took the time to sit down and delve deeper into him, would learn that Keralis was very intelligent (the man spoke Swedish, Polish, and English all fluently afterall), had a wicked smart eye on him for both building and business, and saw more of the world around him then first perceived.</p>
<p>Grian learned this not necessarily from Keralis himself but his boyfriends- from Bdubs easily talking for hours about how beautiful and meticulous Keralis’ builds were, from xB’s eyes lighting up whenever Keralis would give him a specific, well thought out gift, and from Xisuma divulging over long nights how Keralis somehow always just knew what he was thinking, like the two of them were soulmates in some stereotypical romance.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until season seven that Grian got to experience what they had all meant for himself. He had stopped by the humble beginnings of Keralis’ city to drop off some concrete Keralis had asked for. The two of them chatted for a while, Grian heaping compliments onto the blossoming cityscape and Keralis blushing and giggling away, nothing particularly unusual.</p>
<p>Then something in Keralis shifted a bit. He tilted his head and peered deeper at Grian, who fought the urge to shift away under the gaze. Though Keralis wide smile never left his face, a dawning understanding came over his eyes.</p>
<p>“You are sad again, Brian,” Keralis commented, like a question everyone knew the answer to.</p>
<p>Grian froze, a deer caught in headlights. “What? No I’m not, I love talking to you K.”</p>
<p>That seemed to confirm whatever Keralis had come up with, because the older man just nodded and reiterated, “Well thank you sweetface, but I mean in life. Sometimes you look like you’re miles away, somewhere you can’t go back to. I think your heart is still sad. I’m sorry. I hope one day you feel better.”</p>
<p>The two of them had locked eyes during that little speech, and Grian was shocked at how much he felt seen. Ever since Evo he never wanted anyone to know him intricately, to be able to read him so well that they practically owned a piece of his soul. He didn’t need anymore of himself shriveling up and dying.</p>
<p>Staring into Keralis’ eyes felt different though. It made Grian want to be known, to be broken down and held like he was worth it all over again. Keralis made him want to spill everything, good and bad, he had bottled up for so long. The feeling was alien to Grian- but not necessarily bad.</p>
<p>Of course Grian had to ruin the moment when he broke out into a hacking coughing fit that lasted for a minute. Keralis chuckled before handing Grian a bottle of water to try and help with the choking gasps for air Grian was taking in. Still, that yearning for Keralis never really went away after that conversation.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>If Grian was falling, plummeting from heights unimaginable towards a swiftly approaching end (which may or may not have been a nightmare he had one too many times after the Watchers), he would trust Impulse most of all to catch him.</p>
<p>Because Impulse could do anything. Impulse would rip the world apart chunk by chunk if the people he cared about wanted him to. When Zedaph isolated himself in his dark cave or when Tango grew angry and frustrated at a failed invention, it was always Impulse to bring them back from the brink, to be their unmovable wall.</p>
<p>It took a nightmare for Grian to realize how badly he wanted that as well.</p>
<p>Around five am the shopping district was hollow and empty, devoid of it’s usually bustling life aside from a few stray cats roaming around and aside from Grian himself.</p>
<p>Plank by plank, pane of glass by pane of glass, Grian upgraded the barge, trying to ignore the way his hands shook as he reached into shulker boxes to grab supplies and trying to ignore the memories of his dream, of a Watcher mask pressed against his face, and it's ugly, burning magic reaching its tendrils into his mind and yanking him around like a puppet, making him tear worlds apart, slaughtering families that would scream and cry for mercy and-</p>
<p>“G-man? What are you doing up this late?” Impulse’s voice cut through the tattered noise in his mind. Grian tried to discreetly wipe his eyes before turning around to see the man in question standing on the main road staring at him with concern twisting his features.</p>
<p>“Oh, well I can ask you the same question,” Grian replied, voice thick with exhaustion.</p>
<p>“I was restocking some totems and didn’t realize how late it was. Tango just texted me and said if I don’t head to bed soon, him and Zed are going to come down here and drag me away, so I’m leaving now to avoid their wrath,” Impulse answered, then chuckled fondly. A numbing loneliness hit Grian head on.</p>
<p>Impulse continued, “But what about you? Anything you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>And for a moment Grian wanted to so badly. Because Impulse looked so kind and warm and wonderful, and he cared so much about everything, and Grian was so selfish and awful to want to steal that love away for himself, to taint someone like Impulse with all the baggage that was himself. Grian wanted so bad it almost hurt. He wanted to fall apart into a million broken pieces and just rest while someone kissed it better or held him down and made him feel loved again. </p>
<p>He wanted to tell Impulse all of that. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m good. Just had some energy and couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d burn it off doing something useful. I’ll turn in soon, don’t worry. Now go before you have to deal with two very pissed off boyfriends.”</p>
<p>But Grian was a coward, so he didn’t.</p>
<p>Impulse seemed hesitant to leave Grian alone, but eventually he flared up his elytra and prepared to take off. Before he left, he turned and shot Grian a comforting smile. </p>
<p>“Okay, but take care of yourself. If you have anything you need, just let me know. You’re one of my best friends. I love you dude,” Impulse casually threw out, then fired up a rocket and disappeared into the night in the direction of his base.</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re one of my best <strong>friends.</strong> I love you dude.</em>
</p>
<p>Grian stared at Impulse’s figure as he slowly faded into the inky black sky.</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you dude.</em>
</p>
<p>A tearing pain squeezed his lungs, forcing ugly coughs out of him so rapidly he could barely catch his breath.</p>
<p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p>
<p>The coughing wouldn’t stop. Something thick and intrusive rose up in his throat, inching its way out with each heaving cough. It left Grian’s eyes watering and head swimming from lack of air. He bent over at the waist, trying to force whatever it was that was choking him out of his airway.</p>
<p>
  <em>Love</em>
</p>
<p>Eventually whatever the intrusion was managed to make its way into Grian’s mouth, so Grian spit out the objects and closed his eyes, trying to calm his spinning mind. Once he was sure he wasn’t going to kneel over in a dead faint, Grian cracked his eyes open to see what had been choking him.</p>
<p>Lying on the ground in front of Grian’s feet was three or four perfectly delicate bright yellow flower petals- sunflower petals to be exact.</p>
<p>It took a minute for Grian to understand what those petals met for him, but when he did, he immediately turned around and vomited.</p>
<p>This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be here. Love was not for Grian.</p>
<p>The Hanahaki disease said otherwise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I totally got really inspired and managed to finish up this chapter real quick. The next update will probably take a bit longer, mostly because I want to finish the next fic in the ‘i can be the one you call’ series soon. But yeah, hope you enjoyed this one.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. a mighty ocean or a gentle kiss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Overall Grian figured he took the realization that he had Hanahaki disease very well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>(Spending a whole night sobbing alone in your house while choking on flower petals was handling it well, right?)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For the first couple of days, Grian thought it was only Impulse he was </span>
  <strike>
    <span>in love with</span>
  </strike>
  <span> had feelings for. The sunflower petals were obviously for him, only appearing whenever he would catch Impulse sending him goofy grins from across the shopping or texting him friendly messages throughout the day. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then Grian heard Stress’ beautiful, melodic laugh after a joke he told, and he had to excuse himself to the bathroom to painfully cough up a few delicate, light pink petals. Clearly it wasn’t just Impulse.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Overall there were six different petals that Grian would cough up at varying points, six different awful, wonderful people who had stolen Grian’s heart without even trying. Therefore Grian figured his first step should be to figure out what types of flowers he was coughing up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A traitorous part of his mind whispered to him that the first step should be to acknowledge he had fallen </span>
  <strike>
    <span>in love</span>
  </strike>
  <span> for his friends and to immediately take a specially prepared harming potion that could cure Hanahaki disease in its earlier stages at the expense of those feelings, because there was no way any of the Hermits could ever love broken Grian and his ugly heart, let alone all six of them. His life was inevitably going to be forfeit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Grian was willing to forget about that for the moment, to let it be another day's problem. Because focusing on the ‘why’ this was happening was already painful enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And besides, how much was Grian’s life worth anyways?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lucky for Grian, he knew one very specific person on the server who had a secret love of flora after their hippie days.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So why exactly do you want to know about these flowers?” Ren asked as he pulled a flower identification book out of a bookshelf in his storage area.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian sighed and repeated the carefully thought up lie he had come up with. “I’m designing a garden room for the mansion and I want to code in some custom plant textures. I found these flowers I liked in another world, but I don’t know their names.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>While flipping through his book and comparing pictures in it to the variety of petals Grian had saved up over the week and dried out, Ren smiled and said, “Well, you’ve come to the right place then my dude. Rendiggitydog has got you covered!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A pang shot through Grian at Ren’s genuine enthusiasm, along with a bitter taste in his mouth at the fact that he was blatantly lying to his friend.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes of silent, thorough research, Ren shut his book with a flourish and answered with a grin, “Okay, I think I have all of them.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ren indicated over to the few long thin yellow petals lying on the table set up to display the different flowers Grian had coughed up. “You were right, these are sunflower petals- quite common but beautiful nonetheless.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A bright yellow creeper face on Impulse’s shirt.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then Ren moved over to two different petal types- some of them were round delicate whites and pinks, the others were slightly ridged vibrant blues. “These two are also pretty common, just not in vanilla Minecraft. The pink ones are cherry blossoms and the blue ones are forget-me-nots.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A delicate pink flower crown weaved into Stress’ hair.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A crinkled blue t-shirt matching the rich blue sky Keralis’ stood in front of.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So that leaves us with these three flowers, which are all fairly less common to work with, but I think I have them down. The curly green ones are from green gladiolus flowers aka green star or sword lilies, and the smaller purple ones are from catmint, which is in the same family as catnip but without the effects on cats.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A glowing green prosthetic on Iskall’s eye.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A light purple robe fluttering with Vex magic wielded by Scar.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And finally I’m pretty sure these deep red ones with the darker spots are called red hellebore- very cool looking if you ask me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A splattering of redstone dust stains contrasting against the darker greys in Mumbo’s suit.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian nodded at Ren and tried to give him a friendly look, though internally he was quite disappointed that finding the names of the flowers did not bring him the peace or soothe the rolling of anxiety in his stomach he thought it would.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you so much Ren, I really appreciate this. Would you be willing to let me borrow the book, just in case some… alternate flowers also pop up?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luckily Ren didn’t seem to question the unsure, nervous edge to Grian’s voice. He just immediately handed Grian the book and responded, “Of course! You could probably keep it if you really want to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then Ren’s eyes shifted from Grian’s onto something in his hair. With the roughened but precise hands of a builder, a guitar-player, an artist, a man made for giving love to all, Ren plucked a few stray catmint petals out of Grian’s hair, lightly tousling it in the process.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh whoopsie daisy, looks like you have a stowaway here,” Ren softly chuckled, but even though he had brushed away the petals, his calloused fingertips still danced across Grian’s light brown strands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In Grian’s mind, fireworks were going off, colourful and beautiful but explosive and deadly at the same time. It felt like like all of Grian’s trauma could burn away in Ren’s burning light, like time had frozen for the two of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That was until an already tight familiar pressure in his lungs and burning up his throat forced him to turn away and cough harshly into his sleeve until his eyes watered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian ignored the concerned words from Ren, reassuring his friend it was just an itchy throat as he quickly grabbed the book, thanked Ren, and dashed home. He barely made it to the edge of the jungle bordering his mansion before the coughing and choking made him double over, wheezing painfully.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fortunately no one was around to see Grian spit out the new large, luxurious red petals.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fortunately he already had the book on him to identify them as red hibiscus flowers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A fiery red shirt and shoes to match Ren’s personality.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And fortunately no one heard Grian’s cry of frustration and grief echoing into the thick foliage of his jungle home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cleo really was an artist.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sure, the whole server was filled with people who had many talents, but no one could deny how special it was to see Cleo bend and warp armour stands to her will, inflicting her strange magic on them in a way that seemed almost stunningly unearthly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That’s what Grian was thinking about as he watched her work on a commission he had paid her for just outside of the Barge.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was definitely doing the right thing about the whole Hanahaki situation. He was definitely not in denial about </span>
  <strike>
    <span>the love</span>
  </strike>
  <span> the flowers and definitely not ignoring the whole situation in the fragile hope it would just solve itself… definitely not. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the middle of flicking a hand of the stand minutely up a bit, Cleo paused and turned to look at Grian, who was perched on top of a barrel beside her. She sniffed once and  questioned, “Why do you smell like flowers?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian froze for a moment, eyes going slightly wide in fear while remembering that Cleo had enhanced zombie-senses before he schooled his expression into something more neutral and repeated the carefully constructed lie he had come up with for Ren.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And of course Cleo bought it. Why wouldn’t she? Why would she jump to the alternative, that lonely little Grian who once claimed he was incapable of loving anyone finally met karma and was forced to confront all his baggage.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cleo just nodded and went back to her work. Desperate to change the subject and distract himself though, Grian was quick to ask Cleo to describe what she was doing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That immediately seemed to ignite something in Cleo, her eyes brightening and her face shifting into a barely concealed smile as she began narrating her work.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe the distraction worked too well though. As Cleo was explaining, Grian found himself focusing on her, focusing on the way her deft fingers weaved armour stand magic into the air, holding enough power to make the stand bend to her will but delicate enough to create details in the statue Grian couldn’t even perceive. He focused on her voice, smooth and almost musical as she talked, a true storyteller in every sense of the word, a perfect match for Joe- and her face, hauntingly beautiful even in death and decay, uncanny and otherworldly in the most perfect way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian could only gaze in awe at Cleo, seeing how her long orange locks flowed in the gentle afternoon breeze, how her eyes pierced through the simple armour stand to the potential beauty underneath, and how the sun framing her face in its glowing light made Cleo ironically seem more alive then Grian could remember feeling in a while.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cleo may have been an artist, but she was definitely also a piece of art herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Grian stepped away from Cleo to hack up a few new large folded petals, he wasn’t necessarily surprised. He made sure to save them, and when he got home he checked them over in the book.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A dark blue shirt torn all over and almost bruise-like purple circles under Cleo’s eyes.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The book said that morning glories were often a symbol of death. Grian would have laughed at the joke if he wasn’t so disappointed in himself for adding another type of petal to the growing collection.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The Mycelium resistance was a blessing and a curse. On the positive side, it gave him something to focus on each day, a reason to get out of bed instead of wallowing in his misery alone like he so desperately wanted to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On the other hand, it was way harder to hide the handfuls of multicoloured petals he’d regularly cough up when he was trapped in an underground bunker with several other people. It was also difficult considering how the resistance forced him into close quarters with Stress, Impulse, and Ren over and over again. He wasn’t sure how many times he could duck out of a conversation with poor excuses until they noticed something, but the alternative was hanging around with them and being reminded that he had </span>
  <strike>
    <span>fallen in love</span>
  </strike>
  <span> developed feelings for them they would never reciprocate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So Grian found himself hanging out with people he didn’t often in an attempt to avoid his growing list of problems. He grew used to Jevin’s dry, sarcastic sense of humour, he found familiarity in Etho’s quiet scheming and wit, and he learned more about xB then he ever had before.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Which led the two of them to the discussion they were having at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re joking? You’ve got to be kidding?” Grian exclaimed from his spot half-seated in one of the meeting room chairs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>xB’s eyes danced in amusement as he replied, “I swear it on my life.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keralis and X are married?! Why did no one tell me, I thought they were just dating this whole time?!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One of his classic soft giggles escaped xB, and Grian’s heart fluttered at the sound. “I only know because I’m dating Keralis. Xisuma doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so Keralis has only told me and Bdubs. They’ve been together since season one, almost ten years now. I think they’re the oldest couple on the whole server. Apparently when Keralis returned in season six they were both so happy to see each other again, they decided to tie the knot.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian smiled at how cute that whole image was and joked, “Oh my god, these two jerks didn’t even invite us to the wedding,” before also frowning a bit and asking hesitantly, “Are you okay with that? I know that poly relationships come in many different forms, but don’t you ever get jealous dating a married man?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>xB didn’t seem to get offended at Grian’s question. He smiled contemplatively and answered. “Maybe a bit at the beginning, though I think Bdubs had it worse. Initially it helped that we each have other partners. I could go hang with Hypno, Jevin, or Wels if I wanted more attention, and Bdubs had the NHO. After all these years though, I think I’ve come to realize that the marriage wasn’t Keralis’ way of saying he loves Xisuma more than me, it was his way of promising X he’s not going to leave again- that they’re always going to be there for each other. I don’t know too much about Xisuma’s past, but I think he needed that reassurance.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A lump unrelated to flowers and more related to the waves of emotions crashing into him formed in Grian’s throat. He blinked rapidly and tried to rational why the idea of having someone you love promise to stay with you forever, unwavering through every awful thing life had to throw at you, scared him so much. Maybe it was because Taurtis and Pearl and everyone else he had once loved on Evo had promised him the same thing, but he lost them all in the end anyways.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On his end, xB didn’t seem to notice Grian’s internal crisis and continued, “I love everyone on this server, even the ones I’m not in a romantic relationship with. I love this server as a whole really. I love every block placed, every conversation had, every moment shared among everyone. This strange little family we’ve created, the way that we’re all here, creating something wonderful in the universe together, is beautiful. Hermitcraft has really become a home for us all,”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At that xB turned a bit from his seat to look at Grian, who lay petrified at how casually and easily xB used </span>
  <strike>
    <span>the word love</span>
  </strike>
  <span> that word, and beamed at him, “I’m so glad you’ve found a home here in Hermitcraft as well, Grian.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>home was Evo, which Grian saw burn beneath his feet and heard echoing with achingly familiar screams of agony.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grian barely managed to wheeze out that it was just a cold when he burst into barking, scraping coughs after that, to which xB leapt up in concern.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>home was with the Watchers, who owned him like he was a toy they could make dance and rip apart and throw away without any concern.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>How Grian found the strength to brush off xB’s worry, stumble his way out of the Resistance base, and haphazardly fly off to a private corner of the world to start hacking up the petals, he would never know.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>home was the abandoned, glitchy servers he bunkered down in while fleeing from the Watchers, alone with only the ghosts of a server long gone and a family long dead.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As Grian stared at the baby blue and white hydrangeas he had just coughed up- now fully grown flowers instead of small petals- his mind spun dizzily like a Ferris wheel.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>A pair of shockingly beautiful light blue eyes smiling back at him from where xB sat.</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Home was something painful, something that caused only misery and suffering.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So why did Hermitcraft as his home that he was slowly falling in love with feel so right?</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, things are definitely starting to escalate. Grian, you poor stupid moron, I’m so sorry about what I’m putting you through.</p>
<p>The flowers I picked for everyone are more about aesthetic then actual flower language meaning, though a few of them like the morning glories or catmint also matched up for other reasons pretty well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. i will love you with every single thing i have</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Tango Tek: Impy? Zed? My beloveds? Lights of my life? My sun and my moon?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ImpulseSV: what did you do </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tango Tek: *gasp* how dare you think so little of me? Can’t a bro compliment his boyfriends without any ulterior motive? For shame </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Zedaph: … </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tango Tek: Okay, I fell off the scaffolding while building Among Us and messed up my ankle and now I’m just lying on the ground like a loser because I can’t get up </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Zedaph: there it is </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> BdoubleO100: lmaoooo </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ImpulseSV: you’re an idiot </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tango Tek: ahhh come tell me that when you rescue me from this dark dank prison and give me cuddles </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ZombieCleo: needy much? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Zedaph: dude we’re both endbusting right now we can’t head back for a while  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tango Tek: what?? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Zedaph: sorry babe </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Rendog: ha you’ve been abandoned </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Stressmonster101: get wrecked </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ImpulseSV: ugh can someone go deal with him until me and Zed get back </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Grian: I mean I have nothing going on I guess I can come by </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tango Tek: yaaaasss you’re the best! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ImpulseSV: thank you Grian love you! </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Grian was happy to help Tango. Of course he was- Tango was such a good friend. When he heard that Tango was hurt and needed someone to come help him out, Grian immediately headed out from where he was restocking the barge to fly to the gaming district.</p><p> </p><p>Well, after he finished hacking up sunflowers because Impulse said he loved him again, and he was a weak man desperate for any form of attention that is. </p><p> </p><p>As Grian flew over to the gaming district, the bitter taste of sunflower petals and something coppery he refused to acknowledge on his tongue, he blatantly ignored the constant buzzing of his communicator as Zedaph and Impulse messaged Tango to keep him company until Grian could arrive. It wasn’t that he was jealous of the loving bickering and flirting they all shared with each other, but he sometimes wished he was.</p><p> </p><p>Because jealousy was normal, familiar, and easy to tuck away to the back of the mind to deal with later. This new… feeling… this alien thing that grabbed his heart everytime Zedaph would send hearts in the chat and Impulse or Tango would fake gag at it was scary and violent and in Grian’s case, deadly.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually Grian touched down in front of the hole acting as the entrance to Among Us. He made his way through the areas of the map all in different phases of completion, until he eventually saw the prone body of Tango lying on the ground in the room between the two halves of the map.</p><p> </p><p>Tango looked… ethereal. The area was dimly lit save for the glow of Tango’s fiery hair and eyes, similar to the way a magma block burned. It created the effect of a halo framing his features- his strong jaw and nose, his sharp cheekbones, his otherworldly eyes- all cast in the heavenly warm light. </p><p> </p><p>Even the way Tango laid out over the stone brick floor was picturesque. The man in question was lying on his back with the hurt ankle propped up on a block of concrete, and the other leg bent at the knee. His arms were up in the air in front of his face so he could type on the chat. Judging by the easy but nonetheless blinding smile on his face, as well as the occasional breathtakingly soft chuckle under his breath, he was enjoying whatever conversation he was having with his boyfriends.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe Grian was feeling a bit sappy because of the Impulse stuff earlier, but it didn’t feel like an exaggeration to say that Tango looked like he belonged in a museum, a Greek statue lovingly created to show off the beauty of the human form. The way he was spread over the ground, glowing with sensual warmth and radiant love without even trying, captivated Grian the same way Stress’ gentle touches, Mumbo’s intense eyes, or xB’s muted <strike>love</strike> care did.</p><p> </p><p>An oh so familiar burning and tearing sensation began building in Grain’s lungs and up his throat. He groaned under his breath at irritation, which of course alerted Tango to his presence. The blaze-hybrid looked up at the noise, and the tightening pain in Grian’s chest only got worse when he noticed that the fond smile Tango had on his face while talking to Impulse and Zedaph didn’t change one bit when directed at Grian.</p><p> </p><p>It was a miracle that Grian managed to force his coughs down while handing off a few regen and healing potions to Tango. Undoubtedly it looked rude when Grian immediately dipped out after that, not even waiting for Tango to drink the potions before shouting out a goodbye through the hands pressed over his face in an attempt to hold back the build-up of petals rising in his throat. He ignored the confused and slightly saddened gleam in Tango’s eyes as he dashed out of Among Us and into whatever privacy he could find. </p><p> </p><p>The red and yellow fireglow spurge flowers he hacked up in a tucked away corner of the gaming district looked magical, enchanting, and otherworldly. Just like Tango.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>A burning ember-like gaze from Tango piercing through to Grian’s very soul.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Well, Grian was pretty sure they looked like that, but it was hard to tell through the tears that also dripped down his face and mixed with the disgusting, beautiful flowers.</p><p> </p><p>… </p><p> </p><p>Turns out avoiding ten entire members of the server you play on, most of which are your best/only friends that you live in close proximity with, is really hard.</p><p> </p><p>The worst was when they were in groups. Grian could occasionally handle short, business-like conversations with those who owned the flowers in his lungs, but there was something about seeing Ren throw his arms around Iskall in an easy hug, Stress and Cleo lovingly hold hands as they hung out, or Keralis shamelessly flirt with a blushing xB that made the few plants that constantly choked Grian’s lungs feel like an entire forest tearing through his airways.</p><p> </p><p>So he tried his best to ignore them all. He ignored his friends no matter how bad it hurt, because that’s what had always worked for him before. That’s how he had always coped. He ignored the old pair of blue and red headphones in his enderchest, he ignored the remnants of a smashed Watcher’s mask he had buried in an unmarked flower forest back in Season Six, he ignored the panic attacks and the nightmares and the dissociation and everything else. And he definitely ignored <strike>the love he felt for all of these beautiful people that set his heart ablaze</strike> the flowers in his lungs.</p><p> </p><p>Ignorance was not bliss- but it was better than the alternative.</p><p> </p><p>All of that was easier when Grian could imagine that what he was feeling was jealousy, that he had some inkling of hate and anger for his server mates in his soul.</p><p> </p><p>It was while hanging out with Jevin in the shopping district that his fragile excuse crumbled away.</p><p> </p><p>Jevin was building his newest mob shop, and Grian was just sort of sitting by him with the occasional conversation between the two of them as the slime-hybrid worked. </p><p> </p><p>He was also maybe acting as an excuse for Grian to avoid Scar, who had invited him over to see some builds he had made in the Upside Down drill, but it was probably rude to tell Jevin that.</p><p> </p><p>Grian blinked and widened his eyes at the sudden sight of a certain knight creeping up behind Jevin, who had been rambling about some block changes he made on his base. When the two made eye contact and Grian saw Wels put a finger to his lip in a shushing motion, he instantly but casually fixed his eyes back on Jevin, trying not to smile at the surprise he knew was coming.</p><p> </p><p>While Wels was sneaking up, Grian fully expected him to jump out and scream to hilariously scare Jevin. Instead, Wels shocked both of them by grabbing Jevin’s free hand, spinning him around to plant a kiss on the back of it, and brandishing a single gorgeous red rose to him.</p><p> </p><p>“For you, my beloved,” Wels grinned up at Jevin, who was blushing a dark indigo colour.</p><p> </p><p>The slime-hybrid gaped in awe at his boyfriend before chuckling and leaning down to both accept the rose and plant a small peck on Wels’ lips. </p><p> </p><p>“Well isn’t this sappy?” Jevin teased, though the way he twirled the flower in his fingers- looking fondly at it and still blushing- gave away how actually pleased he really was.</p><p> </p><p>Wels shrugged, “What can I say, I’m a romantic at heart. Especially for you.”</p><p> </p><p>The way the two men in front of him danced and flirted so naturally made Grian subtly squirm where he stood. His mind spun in circles, trying to compartmentalize these feelings that churned in his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>It was jealousy, he told himself. It was fear of the unknown, it was loneliness, it was guilt, it was anger, it was everything but the one feeling that had left behind a bleeding hole where his heart had once been when the Watchers tore the rest of him to shreds.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually Wels seemed to notice Grian standing there as well, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater. Without missing a beat, the knight turned to face Grian and pulled yet another red rose out of his inventory.</p><p> </p><p>With the same dashing smile he had given his boyfriend, Wels bowed to Grian and flourished the rose towards him. “Oh, and how can I not also gift a flower to the fairest of them all on this server? My mistake. Take this as an apology, Grian.”</p><p> </p><p>Grian froze. His eyes darted back and forth between Wels, looking every bit the courteous fairytale knight, and Jevin, who Grian expected to be upset at his boyfriend for that stunt but instead looked… proud.</p><p> </p><p>Hands shaking and face draining of blood, Grian slowly inched forward to barely grab the flower with the very ends of his fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>Flowers. Why was it always flowers that came for him? Because it was so easy to ignore the ones that grew deep inside of him- the ones that infested his lungs, the ones that entangled in his mind and dug their roots in his poor heart- but this was here and in front of him. It was unignorable.</p><p> </p><p>Wels had given him a rose. And it wasn’t a rose for jealousy or fear or loneliness or guilt or anger. It was a rose, given to him out of… because of… from…</p><p> </p><p>The flower fell from between Grian’s fingers, falling to the ground beneath him with no attempt to catch it. Both Jevin gasping his name and Wels pulling his hand away like it was burnt with hurt betrayal on his face faded to the background of Grian’s frozen mind. </p><p> </p><p>His breaths slowed to a wheeze. Everything, every thought centred around that pain in his lungs, those living, breathing plants in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t lie to himself about what the pain was about anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Stumbling away from Wels, from that rose, <strike>from the love</strike>, from the feelings he so desperately wanted to embrace but didn’t feel like he properly deserved was one of the hardest things Grian had ever done. </p><p> </p><p>Still as Grian hid in a corner of the abandoned Mycelium base and gagged up handfuls of golden yellow daffodils that felt like they were shredding his throat apart when they came up, he at least knew he wasn’t really alone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>A set of gorgeous armour with detailed gold accents shining in the sun as Wels brandished his sword.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>He’d always have those flowers to keep him company, right until they took his life.</p><p> </p><p>…</p><p> </p><p>“A diamond for your thoughts?”</p><p> </p><p>Grian barely looked up at the roughened voice that interrupted his daydreaming. Truth be told he was quite surprised someone managed to find him in his little hiding spot in the old winter field he had hosted the wither fight for his Barge Quest in, especially considering it was now a dark night with sparing few stars peeking out from the clouds. </p><p> </p><p>Still if anyone could do it, it would be TFC.</p><p> </p><p>The older man waited a bit for a response from Grian, and when none came, he didn’t seem surprised. He just nodded and lowered himself to sit next to where Grian lay, groaning as he lowered his creaking bones to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“Your name has been in the group chat a lot this past day.”</p><p> </p><p>“You read the group chat?” Grian asked, eyebrows raised.</p><p> </p><p>TFC shrugged, “Of course. I just don’t respond a whole lot because it’s hard enough to keep up with you lot in person, let alone trying to type.”</p><p> </p><p>That made sense but still meant that even TFC noticed the way Wels had messaged the group chat over and over saying he was sorry about giving Grianm the rose and didn’t realize he had crossed a line, which of course then led to about half the server wondering what was wrong and if Grian was okay.</p><p> </p><p>All Grian had said in the chat was that he accepted Wels apology. It was for the better if Wels thought the rose had triggered him- better at least then him really finding out why Grian couldn’t accept it.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” the parrot-hybrid answered, his wings stretched out beneath him like a blanket of sorts, “It’s been a… rough day.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could say that again,” TFC agreed, then looked down at Grian contemplatively, “though I think for you, it’s been rough longer than just a day.”</p><p> </p><p>“... What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>TFC sighed and looked off into the distant, his long beard and flowing white hair drifting a bit in the chill winter breeze. “Grian, I’m more than double your age. I’ve been out adventuring and exploring longer then you’ve been alive.”</p><p> </p><p>Grian jolted a bit. Of course he knew that TFC was on the older side, but to hear it laid out like that so clearly was a bit of a shock. It made sense though. There was a reason everyone on the server respected TFC- he had been slaying mobs and conquering lands for longer than Grian could even imagine.</p><p> </p><p>Continuing on, TFC froze Grian to his core when he said, “Do you really think I’ve never seen anyone die from Hanahaki? It’s rare, but not that rare though.”</p><p> </p><p>Embarrassingly enough, the urge to whimper and start crying at everything he had been hiding rose in Grian. Would TFC call him stupid for ever believing he was deserving to share in that delicate, fragile thing his server mates had? Would he immediately tell everyone what he had realized, or did they already know that Grian- who destroyed everything he dared to reach out for and touch- was only going to hurt them too because of his selfish want? Would they kick him out of the server, the only home he had left and leave him to die because he wouldn’t survive losing his family again? </p><p> </p><p>The older man seemed to have noticed Grian distress. He made sure to move slowly and clearly but also made no attempt to touch or hold Grian down in any way, just letting him breathe and cope at his own pace. </p><p> </p><p>“Does everyone else know?” Grian questioned in a breathy, shaky voice.</p><p> </p><p>“No. They know something’s up with you with how you’re always running off mid-conversation, but after today most think it’s because you’re uncomfortable with romance in general and don’t want to hurt you by pushing you too hard.”</p><p> </p><p>Grian nodded, part of him relieved but a darker more treacherous part upset, because after everything he had done he still craved that simple affection, still wanted for someone to come care for him unconditionally. It was like the tale of Icarus- telling the truth was his sun. Regardless of if he flew too close to it and burned alive or dipped too close to the ocean and drowned screaming, his story was destined to end in tragedy. </p><p> </p><p>Finally after a significant pause, Grian choked out, voice breaking and uneven, “Okay? So what am I supposed to do about all this?”</p><p> </p><p>TFC shook his head, “That’s not how it works, and you know it. It’s your heart on the line here. I can’t tell you how to feel, and I can’t try and force you to think you’re loved when your mind has done nothing but tell you for years that no one can or should ever love you back. You wouldn’t believe me anyways. You need to come to those conclusions on your own.”</p><p> </p><p>Grian shuddered, a few lone tears starting to fall from his eyes. “It’s so hard though.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course it is,” TFC agreed, his face twisted into a small peaceful smile, wrinkled lines around his eyes, forehead, and mouth crinkling, “But I think everything in this life that’s good is preceded by hard times. Our purpose is to find those easy moments in between and cherish them, to power through the hurt because we have hope that better days are on the horizon.”</p><p> </p><p>A burning sensation traveled through Grian’s chest, coughs trying to force their way out of him, but Grian refused. TFC was right, and he needed to say something about it or he never would.</p><p> </p><p>“<b>I love them,</b>” Grian managed to admit with a wheeze, then broke out in a hacking, coughing fit. “All of them. So much it's killing me”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” TFC nodded, maybe looking a little proudly at Grian but also sadly and guiltily and a million other emotions too complex for Grian to digest. “Now you have to decide what to do about that love- are you going to let it kill you, or are some things worth healing for?”</p><p> </p><p>For once Grian knew the right answer to that question. “... I’m going to try. At least. I’ll try and hope they love me back.”</p><p> </p><p>And Grian found an odd sense of peace washing over him, buried amongst the eleven different kinds of flowers in him as well.</p><p> </p><p>Or, as Grian would learn after TFC patted his shoulder while getting up to walk away and smiled down at him in a way Grian pictured a proud father would, technically twelve flowers.</p><p> </p><p>Staring down at the new soggy red poppies with black centres he had just hacked up that were now starting to come out speckled in drops of blood, goosebumps raised on his arm from the chilly snow biome, for once Grian’s response to the whole Hanahaki situation wasn’t to cry, scream, or feel sorry for himself.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>A pair of eyes, red and tired from a long life lived, but full of warmth TFC still had to give.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Instead Grian cracked a small grin to himself, blood caught in the cracks between his teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Because he could finally admit the truth to himself.</p><p> </p><p>He was in love with Mumbo, Iskall, Scar, Stress, Keralis, Impulse, Ren, Cleo, xB, Tango, Wels, now TFC, and maybe more to come. There was still room for love in his heart after all this time.</p><p> </p><p>And he would hope for a tomorrow where that love would maybe be returned.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Think of this chapter as the calm before the storm. It’s starting to get better, but I wouldn’t bet against it getting worse for Grian.</p><p>One purpose of this chapter, along with its main goal being to get Grian to realize he’s in love and start the next part of trying to figure out if maybe everyone else loves him back, was to explore the different types of relationships on this server. Grian’s love for Tango is sexual and romantic, his love for Wels is purely romantic, and his love for TFC is platonic/familial. We see this idea of love not needing to be romantic later as well- for example I headcanon False to be ace/aro.</p><p>(Also can I just say as a queer person not attracted to men that writing Tango’s part was really hard lol i’m just your friendly neighbourhood lesbian trying her best) </p><p>Did you like this part? Did you hate it? Come yell at me on tumblr @mayflowers07 if you want to let me know. And thank you all for the love this fic has been getting, you’re all so amazing.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! This is a small thing I’ve been roughly throwing together in between writing for my other series. It’s just a something for fun I’ve been working on, and it’s not really my main focus for writing at the moment.</p><p>I will get it done, I have the rest of the plot all laid out and planned, but I don’t have planned times for releasing new chapters, it’s just whenever I feel like it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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